Things I Wrote in My Notebook About the Pontiac G8's Stereo Before I Realized That the Fader Was Set All the Way to the Front:
- The G8's stereo is so bad, if an ice-cream man used it to play his jingle, he'd be arrested for child abuse.
- Didn't Blaupunkt go out of business in 1984?
- Here are some audio components that have more power than the G8's door speakers: Hearing aids. Audio greeting cards. Teddy Ruxpin. A Speak 'N' Spell. The McDonald's drive-through speaker. Two cans connected with string. Two cans connected with nothing.
- The last time a speaker sounded this tinny and artificial, it was producing the voice of Thomas Edison saying "Watson, come here!"
- This might fly in Australia, but in the U.S.A. we expect more from our stereos. Here, stereos have names like Shaker 1000 and Monsoon. That's right, we need to appropriate the names of natural disasters to describe the power of our stereos. If the G8's stereo was named for weather phenomena, it's be called the Partly Cloudy. Or maybe Steady Drizzle. Actually, scratch that: steady drizzle might make a pleasant noise.
- This stereo has so little bass, it makes Barry White sound like Bindi Erwin. Bindi Erwin being chased by dingoes. Did I mention that this stereo is an embarrassment to Australia on the level of Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles? Because it is.
Ezra Dyer, Contributing Writer